Homeward

It’s funny, being away from home.  As part of my job I stay in the hospital at last one or two nights per week.  Those nights are a mix of lots of things…so much happens at night.  With less people around there is more chance for real disaster, and it’s often here that our skills are really tested.  And of course there are the occasional slow nights – nights when we can relax a little, and reflect. 

The simple math is that I spend more time away from home than in it; the majority of my time is spent within the hospital walls.  More time is spent in the trauma bay, the wards, the OR…more energy is spent talking to colleagues, staff, and nurses…than home with my own family. 

A part of me is totally ok with that.  A large part of me is a workaholic, type A go-getter that wants to – even needs to – spend all night in the trauma bay and the OR with strangers doing what I do best.  But another part is crushed when I have to leave in the morning and know how long it will be until I return. 

I’m reminded of a story of an old surgeon sitting in the lounge between cases.  A younger doctor was also there, complaining about work.  He turned to the older doc and said, “with the way reimbursements are going, soon, we’ll have to pay to operate instead of getting paid!”  The older doctor thought about this, looked at him, and simply asked “how much?”

We love of our work.  We have to.  If we don’t treat this work with real passion, mistakes happen.  And in this line of work, mistakes translate into deaths.  And while the work gets me out of bed in the morning, keeps me up reading late at night, and gives real meaning to my life…I don’t think it will ever be everything to me.  I think home – family – will always be…more. 

It’s hard to explain, but being home brings a certain peace that nothing else can provide.  Even though it’s often chaotic, it has a certain calm.  There is such obvious purpose, such hope for the future, such…peace.  I miss it.  And I love it.  And being away from it makes me desire it even more.  As much as being at the hospital or preparing for work is a part of my life, and as much as being in the hospital feels totally comfortable and natural to me, it’s just not really home. 

Today is my last full day here at conference in Chicago.  Tomorrow I get to go back home.